A Better Way to Ask: How to Talk So Demand-Avoidant Kids Will Listen
How speech and language therapist Linda Murphy uses declarative language to support demand-avoidant children – and how you can too
What should you do when your child resists every request you make – from getting dressed to brushing their teeth or doing homework? For parents, this can feel incredibly frustrating and confusing.
Linda Murphy, a speech and language therapist and author of The Declarative Language Handbook, shares a refreshingly effective way of helping children cooperate – without relying on demands.
The key? Something called declarative language.
Watch the conversation on YouTube
What is declarative language?
Declarative language is simply a style of communication that invites rather than instructs. Instead of telling a child what to do, you narrate what you notice, what you're doing, or what you’re thinking.
It’s subtle but powerful – and particularly helpful for children who are “demand avoidant – or have a strong desire for autonomy. These kids react strongly to being told what to do making everyday family life a challenge.
As Linda puts it, “It’s a mindful shift in how we speak to children, especially those who might be vulnerable to stress or resistance. When we use declarative language, we take the pressure off and invite them to join us.”
See the example below
The message is still there, but without the direct instruction that might trigger resistance.
Why it works
Some children (such as those who are autistic or who experience anxiety) feel overwhelmed when faced with direct demands.
Even a well-meaning instruction like “Brush your teeth” or “What should you be doing right now?” can activate their nervous system into a fight, flight or freeze response. What we interpret as defiance might, in fact, be stress, shame, or shutdown.
Linda explains that declarative language bypasses this stress response by creating a sense of collaboration, not confrontation.
Instead of being told what to do, the child feels they are part of a process. They’re not being tested. They’re being included.
Over time, this way of speaking also helps build confidence, autonomy, and even problem-solving skills.
As Linda says, “When we speak in a way that shares rather than demands, we’re giving something to the child, not trying to get something from them.”
Start small
Linda recommends starting with one part of the day – maybe the morning routine or after school. Begin by simply noticing how often you give instructions, and try turning one or two into observations instead.
When children feel like you’re alongside them, not standing over them, everything changes. They become more engaged overall, through both the good and challenging times.
As Linda beautifully puts it: “When we shift from trying to get something from the child to offering something to the child, we change the whole tone of the relationship. That’s when growth can happen.”
Her guiding principles sheet for using Declarative Language is below and see her website for more.
Listen to the podcast episode: Communicating With Children: Using Declarative Language with Demand Avoidant Kids with Linda Murphy
Find out more about Linda Murphy and her book
The Declarative Language Handbook and more resources at www.declarativelanguage.com