Rediscovering The Parent-Child Connection Through the Magic of Micro-Moments
How Video Interaction Guidance (VIG) helps parents spot and grow the connection they already have.
So many parents come to me worried that they’ve lost the connection with their child. Whether it's a toddler who no longer responds to their gentle guidance or a teenager who seems perpetually out of reach, the sentiment is the same – that painful sense of disconnection, of something precious slipping away.
In a recent conversation on my podcast, "Just One Thing for Parents," I had the opportunity to explore this very issue with Hilary Kennedy, the founder of Video Interaction Guidance (VIG).
What struck me most about this approach was its refreshing positivity – a far cry from the usual narratives of what a parent did wrong and "how to fix it." Instead, VIG focuses on amplifying the greatest moments of parent-child connection, using them as a foundation to rebuild and strengthen these vital bonds.
Watch our conversation on YouTube
These insights could be game-changers for any parent struggling to reconnect, so I’ve laid out some key ideas below.
You’re probably doing more right than you think
When families feel stuck, they often assume something’s broken. But VIG offers a different lens. It gently highlights to parents the small moments of attunement that are already happening – and helps them recognise their impact.
The process is deceptively simple yet profoundly impactful: A brief video captures a genuine interaction between parent and child – often just a few minutes long. These aren't staged or idealised scenarios, but real moments: a young child and parent tackling a puzzle together, or a parent and teen preparing a meal.
The magic happens when the parent and therapist review the footage together, focusing exclusively on positive, attuned moments. Parents frequently find this experience deeply moving. "I had no idea I even did that" they often remark, surprised by the impact of their behaviour on their child. Yet these moments were always there, hidden in plain sight.
This shift in perspective – seeing the strengths and positives that were previously overlooked – becomes the catalyst for meaningful change.
Children are receptive when they feel they have been ‘received’
A core principle of Video Interaction Guidance (VIG) is attunement – the practice of parents consciously tuning into their child's emotional state and needs before engaging. This involves taking a moment to observe what's happening, then responding with presence and warmth. When parents attune to their children, it creates a profound shift, which can transform the entire dynamic of their relationship.
Hilary shared a powerful example of this transformation. A mother sought help because her children consistently ignored her instructions. During a VIG session, with the camera rolling, she slowed down her approach. Instead of her usual pattern of shouting and pleading, she offered calm, loving guidance that was attuned to her children's actions. The result astonished her – her kids responded positively, a stark contrast to their typical behavior. The therapist highlighted how the mother's deliberate attunement made all the difference.
Attunement often manifests in subtle, easily overlooked moments: a shared smile, brief eye contact, or simply stopping and listening. By learning to recognize and value these seemingly small but significant exchanges, parents can foster a more responsive and connected relationship with their child.
This approach reminds us that children don't learn to follow instructions through force or coercion. Instead, they learn by feeling understood and respected. When a child feels truly "received" by a parent, they're more likely to be receptive in return. This transforms parent-child interactions from potential power struggles into genuine, meaningful connections.
Small shifts in how we interact can go a long way
Hilary introduced two simple frameworks that can help parents interact with more confidence and ease.
First was the “love, play, work” sequence.
Before we can play, and certainly before we can teach or instruct (work), we must re-establish warmth and connection (love). If a child isn’t responding, go back to love. Soften. Slow down. Reconnect.
Second was the idea of “take five” – extending interactions with your child by aiming for five conversational turns on the same topic. It’s the opposite of rapid-fire questions and one-word answers. Instead, you stay with a moment, stretching it just enough to create real exchange and understanding.
These aren’t big changes. They’re subtle. But over time, they shift the emotional climate – and help trust take root again.
If you’re looking for a starting point...
Try watching for moments that are already working. What did you do or say or how did you act? Maybe it was a fleeting smile, or that you gave time and space when they spoke or that you turned towards them.
These micro-moments are easy to miss – but they are the building blocks of connection. Start by seeing them, and connection will begin to grow.
Listen to the podcast episode
Find out more about Video Interaction Guidance here.