Why Doing Less Can Bring You Closer to Your Child or Teenager
Insights from Hilary Kennedy, founder of Video Interaction Guidance (VIG), on creating connection through presence, not pressure.
We all want a close relationship with our children. In the 25 years of working as a Clinical Psychologist, it’s the question that comes up time and again: How can I feel closer to my kids?
When that closeness feels out of reach, our instinct is often to try harder, ask more questions, and get more involved. But what if all that, well-meaning as it is, is actually getting in the way?
In my conversation with Hilary Kennedy, the founder of Video Interaction Guidance (VIG), she offered a simple but powerful insight which you might find surprising: Sometimes the best way to connect is to do less. That wasn’t the answer I was expecting, but she went on to explain more.
Watch the conversation on YouTube
Connection thrives in space, not pressure
When we feel disconnected from our children, we often respond by leaning in. We talk more. We ask more. We try to fill the silence.
But this can sometimes come across as intrusive. Whether it’s a baby looking away or a teen brushing you off, when we come in with our own agenda by asking “what’s wrong?”, “Did something bad happen?”, they can find us overwhelming, and they pull back.
What helps instead is doing less and observing more. Try to resist the urge to rush in. Instead, relax, wait, be still, be present and ask yourself what do they need from me right now? As you watch and listen, you will get cues from them and then you can respond. They are leading, you are following.
Children show us what they need, but only if there’s enough space for their voice to emerge. It’s in those quiet pauses, when children see us trying to really understand them, that children feel safest to open up. These are the small spaces where connection can grow.
"Serve, catch, return": how to truly meet your child
You may have heard of "serve and return" – the idea that a child makes a bid for connection (a “serve”) and the adult responds (the “return”). The Harvard Centre On The Developing Child explains how this plays a key role in shaping brain architecture.
But Hilary encourages us to add an extra, essential step: the catch.
Instead of immediately replying, we pause to receive what the young person is showing us – their look, their mood, their words.
Only then do we return with something that shows we’ve really heard.
For example, your child serves by saying, “I’m not going to that party.” Instead of replying “Why not?”, try:
Catch: Notice their body language. Wait. Nod.
Return: “Sounds like something about it feels hard?”
It’s not a tennis match. You don’t have to hit the ball back immediately. In fact, it’s often the pause – the catch – that makes the return feel meaningful.
This works whether you’re responding to a toddler pointing to a bird or a teenager grumbling about school.
Slowing down and receiving their message first shows them they’ve been heard – and that is the bedrock of emotional connection.
Try naming instead of questioning
When in doubt, we often ask questions: “What’s wrong?”, “Did you enjoy it?”, “Why did you say that?”
But when we ask questions, we’re often expecting immediate answers – and that can be hard for a child to manage in the moment.
Hilary suggests we try naming instead. That means noticing and reflecting on what’s happening, without needing a response.
Instead of “Did you have a good day?”, try: “Looks like it’s been a long one.”
Instead of “Why are you in a mood?”, try: “I can see something’s bothering you.”
These small changes shift the dynamic from interrogation to invitation. They show we’re present, without pushing.
Which is often what a child needs to feel safe enough to speak.
If you try just one thing...
Try doing a little less today.
Pause before you speak.
Watch your child. Smile.
Let them lead the interaction – even for a moment.
You might be surprised by how much connection grows when you stop trying to force it.
Watch the podcast episode on YouTube
Find out more about Video Interaction Guidance here.